Enter the Beagle
So, it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Things have actually been pretty good overall, which tends to make me less inclined to write. I’m more of a “foul weather” blogger than a generalist. I’m also really, really distracted by my other projects.
In general, I feel great. I went to see a psychiatrist who prescribed some medication that has helped me overcome my anxiety and depression. I had a horrific anxiety attack last month that was a wake up call for me. Apparently, my experience of being diagnosed with congestive heart failure and cardiomyopathy may have given me PTSD. It sounds crazy, but it’s true.
My defibrillator was installed in March, and after my last bike stress test, I am now convinced that it may never go off. You see, I pushed myself to my physical limits, and my heart rate never entered arrhythmia or the heart rate danger zone. If that doesn’t do it, my every day life won’t either. I’m getting used to having an iPod-sized bulge under the skin of my chest, and the pain has faded. I can even sleep on the same side as the implant now, which is crazy.
The bike test brought forth good news — last time, my score was 14, which is the threshold for transplant. This time, my score was 20.7 — not perfect, obviously, but above the threshold. Hearing that number was the happiest day of my life.
Through the process of grappling with my disorder, I’ve been doing what I’ve called “closing the loop.” That’s reaching out to old friends, righting past wrongs and indiscretions, generally dealing head on with issues that made me feel guilty or filled me with remorse for years. As a result, I feel like I’ve been granted a true second chance at life — I feel more at peace with myself than I’ve felt in years, and I generally believe I’m a better person for having gone through my experience. I even went to the doctor who misdiagnosed me and forgave him for that mistake — he needed to know what he did, but that I didn’t hold it against him. These things happen. There will be no law suit, or anything like that, though I suspect I will soon be finding another primary care physician.
The last loop to close is Archie, the splendid Boston Terrier that died last year. I’ve felt horrible for not having been able to make his death less painful, for not having gotten him to the vet in time. And I have felt a hole in my life without him — a need for the companionship of a good and trusted dog. I have had a dog for the past 20 years of my life — my year without one has been fraught with grief.
So last night was the first night that I slept with a dog burrowed under the covers next to me, or woke to having my face licked. Yesterday, Tina and I adopted a 9 month old Beagle named Charlie. He became a member of our family almost instantly — it was like he had always been with us. I will always miss Archie, but I love having a young, generally well-mannered beagle — hounds are such fine dogs, and there’s no finer sub-breed than that of the beagle, that hunted game in Great Britain in 200 AD and is one of the oldest breeds in history.
Charlie is young, but he’s a delightful friend. Full of energy, loving, intelligent. He enjoys exploring the neighborhood as we go on walks, and for the first time in a long time, my life feels complete.
I don’t know what will happen to me in the coming days, weeks, months, or years. But I am content that I have made peace with my demons, that I have a wonderful family and now a new companion animal, and that I have lived the best life I can live. Oh yeah, and my Halo 3 skills are back up. Could anyone ask for more?
Cardiomyopathy, Heart Problems, Life | jeff | 28 May 2009 |
