The hardest thing I’m going through right now is this constant state of uncertainty. I’ve been sick with a cold for about five or six days now. The problem is that cold symptoms are very very similar to heart failure symptoms. I’ve called the Heart Clinc twice now about it, and they assure me that if my family is sick (they are), then it’s probably all that’s wrong with me, too. I’m not gaining weight — I’m not swelling in my hands or feet. But I’m still unsure. Maybe this is heart failure again, maybe my heart is giving out despite the medicine?

Being chronically ill is like being placed in a state of constant limbo and panic. Every bout of sickness takes on greater weight. And with no contact with doctors for weeks on end, it’s hard to know where you stand, what your future may be. You can only hypothesize and worry, and I am a terrible worrier. In the end you guess that you don’t have a future.

I don’t know what I would do without Tina’s constant support and optimism. She makes me feel that I’m not alone, even though some pretty bad things have descended on me, and she can skillfully talk me off a cliff when panic sets in. Without her, I would have already lost this.