So, it’s been a week since I came home. I’m doing better — I’m not gripped by a constant sense of despair, but I am learning my physical limitations.

For instance, I can no longer play video games. I find the physiological response extremely unpleasant — a feeling that my body has been scrubbed out by something and a wash of anxiety. This applies to nearly every game I’ve tried, but especially my old favorite, the first person shooter. I was once a fairly competitive player, but no more. I can’t help but wonder if this is ultimately for the best.

I have cabin fever — I’ve been out of the house just once since I returned a week ago, and there is a part of me that has anxiety about leaving.

However, I am able to watch scripted television again — last night Tina and I watched an episode of Sarah Connor on the DVR, and the night before we watched the Doctor Who Christmas Special. During Doctor Who, I was filled with anxiety and worry, but watching Sarah Connor just 24 hours later, my spirits were better and I was able to pay attention and enjoy the show. This is good.

I’ve also been reading “Team of Rivals,” something I was unable to do last week. I can pay attention and actually get something out of the book.

So things are getting better, but it’s a slow process — a step at a time, and despite the presence of Tina and the girls, it’s a journey I’ve largely undertaken alone.

But incrementally, I’m feeling better. Sitting up longer, on my feet longer, going without anti-anxiety medicine. As each day passes, I begin to realize that sudden death is as unlikely as it was before — that my heart has been like this for a very long while, and gradually I will return to normal. Or what passes for normal for someone with a weak heart.

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  By Chris, January 8, 2009 @ 11:54 am

  It’s great to hear you so positive.

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