Valar Morghulis
It’s a hard thing knowing that you’ve crossed the line between your mortality being something amorphous, vaguely present, but hard to define, and the moment that you learn that it is most definitely finite. I’ve cross that line. I am going to die.
On Christmas morning, I suffered heart failure at my mother’s house in Hagerstown, MD. My lungs were clouded with fluid, my heart too weak to pump it off. That problem was taken care of with medicine, but I was transported home to Washington, D.C.’s Washington Hospital Center for further testing and evaluation.
It turns out that I have an extremely weak heart — probably have had one my whole life. The question is not if it will give out, but when and how. I’m on medication to help regulate it, but if it doesn’t work, I will be given a defibrillator implant to make sure that if my heart stops, it will resume. I will also be placed on a transplant list for a new heart.
It is very hard for me to type these words, to accept them. Just two weeks ago, I was a 34-year-old man with a chronic cough. Now I’m a man who could die tomorrow, today, in a minute. It’s hard to even bring these thoughts into my head — but they’re true. Now I have to learn to accept them.
I have panic attacks — and the only thing that makes me feel better is anti-anxiety medicine. I am afraid to get up and a walk around — is what I’m feeling a cardiac event or anxiety?
I must regain control over my life — what’s left of it — but to do that I have to accept the fact that I will die. Submit to it. And only then will I be able to stand tall and move forward, marching toward the inevitable while still enjoy what’s left. I don’t know if I’m up to the task.
Wish me luck.
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By Todd R., December 31, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
This was about the last thing I expected to see on here today! Thinking about our mortality at our ages is difficult indeed. I can’t imagine what is going through your mind right now.
Although hackneyed and cliched — keep positive. Think of those things you want to do with the people you love: the twins’ graduations, weddings, grandkids, anniversaries…just keeping thinking to the future.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Todd aka General Tso
By Kevin Williams, December 31, 2008 @ 6:50 pm
Jeff (or Singard, as I have come to know you) thanks for posting this update.
First off, it’s good to hear you are doing better. I realize it has been years since we last crossed paths, but our time with FTG creates a curious bond. General Tso was kind enough to pass the word along to us former FTGers (now current members of Clan PsL).
I’m not going to pretend I understand this difficult moment you are facing. It’s clear reading your post that every one has a different response to that often hushed reality of immortality.
Due to unfortunate events in my life, the question of our fate was made real early in my life. As I look back on those difficult and emotional moments, I truly feel a sense of being lucky. Those trying situations made me realize that yes, I am going to die, but that fact alone made me lucky because that meant I actually got to experience this wondrous, mysterious and curious thing called life.
To me, in the words of Mervyn Peake, “To live at all is miracle enough”.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are fairing. I wish you the best!
DGTL
By Chris, January 5, 2009 @ 9:39 am
It’s scary, what you’ve gone through and learned, but I remain very optimistic that the medicine will help. I hope your anxiety keeps going down.